You’ve probably heard about many methodologies that help to identify one’s personality. You might know about introverts and extroverts, rational and irrational people, logical and intuitional ones. We all realize that we’re definitely not the same, but at the same time, we’re not that different either.
Understanding yourself isn’t enough
With all the resources we have nowadays, understanding your own personality isn’t that hard. You can always take our AI for a ride and get your personal portrait by following this link.
Knowing yourself is just one part of the story though. When meeting people and having some discussions (personal or business), you probably have had numerous encounters similar to these:
- Positive ones: “Oh, this guy is awesome, we are on the same page. It feels like we’ve known each other for decades.” — you feel elevated and motivated.
- Negative ones: “It was the weirdest meeting ever. We’re like from two different planets. Couldn’t find a single common ground.” — you feel lost or even frustrated.
Both negative and positive moments happen without the conscious part of your brain actually interfering. The thought (even the feeling) just pops up in your mind.
The main reason is that we all express certain behavior patterns (behave in a certain way) and when those patterns match or even complement each other, magic happens.
These patterns are actually based on deep internal values each of us is born with. They are based on unconscious principles and desires we have. But now, let’s get more practical.
It is obvious that relationships are formed between two people. And when building any relationship there are three main processes that are going on in each person’s mind.
Let’s discuss the illustration above in a bit more detail:
- Information perception is the way how each person perceives information (text, speech, emotions, gestures);
- Information processing is the way how one’s mind processes any piece of information (our internal mechanisms based on behavior patterns):
- Unconsciously we are matching all the information to our internal values (built-in things that we feel but can’t explain);
- Consciously we are matching all the information to a current context (the subject of the current conversation);
- Information delivery is the way how we reply to our opponent or the way how we deliver our thoughts (text, speech, emotions, gestures).
These processes happen differently for different people. You’ve probably already noticed it when talking to your friends or colleagues. We all perceive, process, and deliver information in different ways. Misunderstanding, tensions, anxiety, conflicts—all these things appear when people don’t understand the difference in the process described above.
Let’s take a look at a simple illustration of Tim’s and Anna’s relationship.
This flow applies to every relationship aspect and can have different match/mismatch configurations (e.g. decision-making, communication style, problem-solving, etc.).
In one relationship aspect, you can have a full match, in another a total mismatch. In this example the situation is the following:
- Tim delivers information exactly the way Anna perceives it. So there is a match and everything is fine;
- But Tim’s and Anna’s information processing methods are different (e.g. Tim replies right away, Anna needs some time to think), thus there is tension in non-verbal expectations (Tim expects Anna to react fast, but she feels pressure because she can’t take her time to think things over);
- And finally, Anna delivers information in a different way than Tim perceives it. Again, there is a tension between them in this particular aspect.
Just to remind you, this is an illustration of just one aspect (e.g. decision making, communication style, problem-solving, etc.) of a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you can’t build a relationship when having a mismatch in some aspects.
HRMNY ID relationship tool is here to help
Let us be clear here. There are no people out there you can’t build a relationship with. There are people with whom you’ll feel much less tension when building relationships, and there are people where you will need to put an extra effort to build and sustain relationships. The key lies in understanding where you match/mismatch and having a “bad things” mitigation plan.
Let’s take an example
To go even deeper, let’s introduce Tim and Anna. They like each other but feel that in some aspects of their relationship there is a bit of tension. You can take a look at Tim’s HRMNY ID and Anna’s HRMNY ID (click to see the full portrait). You probably noticed that our heroes have a pretty big difference in core values and priorities.
Tim prioritizes performance and sees competition as a driving force while Anna values creativity and uniqueness. This might be good and bad, depending on the aspect of the relationship. Anna’s creativity can help Tim identify new opportunities and new ways of doing things, but Tim’s focus on performance and results can help Anna to be more consistent and focused when achieving goals.
Differences aren’t always bad. Similarities aren’t always good.
Another difference between Tim and Anna lies in the different team roles they play. Anna is keener in generating ideas (again, through the prism of her core values) but for Tim communicating and packaging those ideas is a natural process.
But we can notice a similarity here as well. Both Tim and Anna are irrational and agile people. They are easily switching between tasks and adapt to any situation. That can make them be “on the same page” in many situations but it could also drive them in the wrong direction of spontaneous decision making.
In HRMNY ID we show how you match with others in more than 30 different aspects. Here are just some of them: decision-making; communication style; problem-solving; attitude to risks; generic thinking focus; building a narrative; initiative and help; information analysis; information delivery style; leadership; competition concept; human perception; support style; conflict perception; managing disputes, and more.
Let’s take a look at several aspects of Tim’s and Anna’s relationship to understand how the match/mismatch concept works.
As both Tim and Anna are irrational people, decision-making works in the same way for both. They both are making quick decisions. Later they can easily change their decision when more information is available.
On the aspect of problem-solving Tim’s and Anna’s views differ. Tim has an analytical approach. He gathers and analyses information to find the best possible solution and discards non-viable options. Anna, on the other hand, has an empirical approach. She generates hypotheses, designs an experiment, and uses feedback to plan her next step.
- In this case, advice for Tim to better understand Anna would be: Ask Anna to provide you with different options and solutions so that you can choose the best course of action faster.
- In the case of Anna, the advice would be: Agree on the definition of “done” with your opponent. Before you start, ensure your action will lead to the solution in the best possible way.
In the aspect of supporting each other, Tim’s and Anna’s approaches are different as well. Tim supports via action. Emotional support for him isn’t that necessary. Tim tends to get/give support in a form of a particular action.
For Anna, on the other hand, emotional support is a priority and actions are secondary. Anna tends to emotionally support people leaving actions outside of the support frame, and she expects the same type of support from Tom as well.
So, to resolve this issue, Tom has to show emotional compassion to Anna and only offer his support via actions. Anna should avoid feeling sorry for Tom, instead, she should instill confidence in Tom, and try to offer real help.
A brief conclusion
All the tension in any relationship lies in the field of misunderstanding and when you try to apply your way of thinking to your partner. We help you to understand where exactly your differences are and what to do about them. There are no bad relationships by default. Just different sets of values that people try to push on each other.
Give it a try for free
Feel free to give it a try. Go to https://hrmny.id/ and get your portrait. Then, you’ll be able to invite other people to your profile and see full relationship analytics on 30+ parameters.